Are you candid? Really?
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Candid, are you?
Do you like me, sometimes find it harder to be candid than you might let on? We can all look back at crucial relationship moments at work or home where we did not quite say what we thought, felt, or meant to say.
What is candour anyway? For us, it’s a conversation that helps all parties involved. However, the result is something very v different, and we follow the way it’s done systemically (that group think, well, they did it that way so, will I)
When we get candid conversations wrong, the effect on others is confusing and really pisses people off. They feel frustrated with us; worse, it can build up over time with effects like:
People are frustrated with you.
You're frustrated with yourself, which leaks out in other parts of your life.
Others feel lost and unsure as they need help determining where to focus their efforts.
Others believe they are doing a great job and might not be, and false hope is destructive.
Waiting for helpful feedback, something they can work on, to just be told they are rubbish.
Be troubled or unsettled at work, and become distracted and avoid doing the good work.
Start looking around for other jobs /friends/relationships as they feel so disconnected.
Make up their version of events, their story will be way worse than the reality.
Assuming and coming up with 2+2=9 which is unsettling and also unkind.
Thankfully, where we are progressing into a time people genuinely want to know how they are doing and want help to be better at what they do. The challenge is that if we are candid and straightforward, this can be a genuine hurdle for everyone involved in your business.
reality
Candour can be used negatively - doing candour wrong- just like the infamous words- feedback. Used to get your point across without thinking about the other person. I'm sure you’ve experienced moments when someone ignored anything that happened in your experience and only shared their point of view.
Candour is also seen as a great excuse to be a douchebag, rude, arrogant, demanding, and one-sided.
Ever heard -
If I am honest with you … or I’m only being honest…
or what about
I’m only thinking of you whats best for you…
or even
I’m just saying.
Understanding why
Candour is a conversation you want to have that shares your feelings with another—professionally or personally. It is your opinion and how it affected you (or an expected result or response). Yet we can make it more complex and build it up into an event, and that’s when exaggeration, assumption, and drama occur when we discuss candour.
Think about the last time you had to be candid with someone. What was it about? Reflect on the questions in them.
What do you think you said?
What did you actually say?
What did you want to say?
Our versions of events are often reframed by our memory to validate the desire we may have had. Yet, if you had a conversation and the change you wanted did not happen, I told you that the gap between what you think you said and what was heard is very different. In your following conversation, prepare for it.
Our language, words - the semantics are also crucial when we think about candour; we can talk about having courageous conversations, tough conversations, and the challenge of dealing with others blah blah. I am not undermining the action of having good, balanced conversations, yet it is a conversation. If we think of this in a pure neurological way, chuck in a bit of science - our brains will only do what we tell, plus add the layered effect of responding through predictions and predictability (what we’ve always done before), then getting edgy, nervous, build a candid conversation up into something else, assume the other person reactions and our learned (seen by others actions to) it makes sense that we then make the focus on being candid loaded with extra. It becomes problematic as we tell ourselves it is.
Test this out.
at and. we coach methods and skills to make your magic - this is to think about your approach, test it, work on it, do it and see what happens = your magic.
When we understand WHY we want to have the conversation, we can help ourselves instantly. There is a tremendous quick communication tool (we call it a superpower- click here to get a freebie of the technique). Ultimately, you ask yourself why, what, how and what if.
Here is how it could work:
Why?
Why is this important to share my thoughts/opinions right now?
Why do I feel this is important?
Why will this help me or them?
Why am I making this difficult?
Why do I think this is a conversation that needs to be had?
What?
What do I want to say?
What do I want to help with?
What benefit is there in having this conversation?
What do I expect from it?
What do I want to happen—and why?
What do I know for a fact, not just emotional feelings?
What predictive behaviours am I responding to?
What am I avoiding?
What could I be passing on and not dealing with?
How?
How can I manage my tone?
How can i get my point across with less words?
How can I ensure I am helping?
How have I assumed?
How can I stop overthinking this?
How am I only sharing my opinion, not third-party
How have I experienced this? How has it affected me, my business, etc.? How can I listen first without my agenda?
How am I taking responsibility for my part?
What If?
What don’t I know?
What am I assuming?
What’s the possible negative outcome?
What is a good outcome?
What if I do have this conversation?
What if I don’t? What if my opinion is wrong/right/indifferent?
What can I do first before I have the conversation?
What skills can I use to help me?
What if I have no expectations of an outcome?
From a more personal, intimate perspective, think about what you want to say with NO outcome or expectation.
Always ask permission first - is it okay to share something with you?
(note here: if someone eis’t ready or willing to give their permission at that moment -ask when this is also not a reason NOT to have a candid chat)
Okay, now you are chatting
Talk about you, how you experienced, use I feel… not you make me feel
Can I tell you, explain to you, describe to you
Be concise- less is more always
use intentional language
if you mess up your words- immediately say I said that wrong. Can I repeat how I meant it to be
Manage your tone
You own the language, tone, care and kindness
Remember, we may spend all our time working on this and still get it wrong unintentionally. The key is to practice the skill and to help those around you become more precise about what you want, the commitment needed, and to be able to act..
Candour is about respect and permission first, not barging in and sharing only your viewpoint.
One thing I know is that when we share good intentions, it will work out. It may take time, yet it will work out. Life experiences have taught me that time and time again. You can think about it all you want and overthink it; ultimately, if you are based on good intent, it will always be a good, candid conversation.
