Why ghosting might just be the best thing that ever happened to you

Ghosting or even estrangement is the modern day silent exit.

Let’s cut the noise right, if someone ghosted you professionally or personally, take a breath. This isn’t a death sentence to your business or your worth.

It’s a little shake up.

And it might just be the biggest gift you never knew you needed.

We’ve glamorised the label ghosting like it’s a new cultural crisis. But it’s just a rebrand of something that’s existed for centuries.

Go back to Romans, Elizabethans and Victorians, . People got ostracised. Cut off from society. No explanation. That’s ghosting. We've just slapped a modern name on it. What we haven’t done is teach ourselves how to deal with it. Until now.

At and., we’ve seen it all. Clients who vanish mid-program. Friends who disappear when their lives implode. Contract partners who rewrite history five times over, take everything we give, and still evaporate. Here’s what we’ve learned.

When people ghost, we grow. Hard stop.

Why this hurts and its not about you.

Let’s get real. Ghosting isn’t just confusing. It can gut you. The silence echoes with all the unspoken questions:

What did I do wrong?
Did they never value me?
Were they always just here to take?

Now let’s hit pause. That pain you’re feeling? It’s valid. But it’s not yours to hold forever. Ghosting isn’t always about you. In fact, most of the time, it isn’t.

There are many reasons why people ghost, firstly is they can! Here are three core reasons we believe people ghost. Each one speaks to where they’re at, not who you are:

1. Value Clash

They were not really that connected to you, (or you to them reality check!) from the start. Aligned in words. Misaligned in action. If you peeled back the layers, you’d see they spoke behind your back, avoided accountability, and it wasn’t meant to be, all felt a bit “hard”. A lot of saying and not a lot of doing.

2. They’re in Crisis

Internally imploding. Emotionally unavailable. Unable to handle connection. People in pain don’t have the capacity to connect deeply. They disappear. That’s not personal. That’s human.

3. They in fear loops.

Some people live in a loop of taking, through fear. Your time. Energy. Content. Even your kindness. Some even call themselves people pleasers. That’s often code for manipulation through passivity. It’s not care. It’s consumption. Being in fear can show up as being a taker. They will have their own rationale, validation and need to take, it’s part of some peoples intent and for some it’s not a conscious intentionality to take. It could be attached to their role or lack of empowerment, or decision control, a need to move on, someone else’s decision, a deadline, they told you something they shouldn’t have? Something else was shinier? They ran out of money? Plans changed? It’s easier to not explain and they don’t feel they need too?

We have accepted our role and actions in ghosting too, as we have allowed others to take too because of our own fear. Loss of revenue, fear of what they might think of us, fear of a bad review or poor testimonial, Fear of not being nice!

We learned hard and it took time too as well, now in all we do reflection and ask first did we give permission (normally with poor communication) for this behaviour? Are we leading by example? Have we been clear or have we left ambiguity on the table and assumed we were clear?

What we do now when we’ve been ghosted

The critical part is NO blame or shame on any party or person involved.

You role is being able to not get umbridge from ghosting is to accept it has happened, acknowledge you have no control over the situation and take action that works for you (your business). Use our Triple A technique to work through it.

Three examples, three real stories

Example 1: The Executive Ghost Loop (Professional)

A C-Suite client of ours started ghosting mid-program. After keynote delivery, private coaching, and a sales transformation project, we hit a wall of silence. We gave them space. Set a boundary. “This is the last message until you’re ready.” A month later, they returned. Overwhelmed. Drowning. But willing. We’ve now worked with them on and off for seven years. The cycle repeats. But they’re learning. We help. Not chase.

Tool used: 1:1 Coaching, Framework, Leadership Audit.

Example 2: The Long-Lost Friend (Personal)

Ten years gone. Not a word. After I helped them get back on their feet. Gave them work during a crisis. Held space while they healed, they vanished. Rumours spread. Lies told. I stayed silent. A decade later, they came back. No apology. Just sadness. I listened, heard them out, and then chose to walk. Why? Because I hadn’t missed them. My life grew stronger. Fuller. Better. That ghosted gap gave me clarity on what I really needed.

Tool used: Survive or Thrive Program, Primary Aim workbook.

Example 3: The Contract That Kept Shifting (Business)

Short-term contract. Budgeted. Delivered. Accommodated, five times. Should’ve exited early. Didn’t. Paid for it emotionally and financially. After they ghosted, we followed our own process. Message. Follow-up. Boundaries. Three months later, a meet-up. Then nothing again. The stop chasing will end when it needs too. They’re no longer aligned with our world and that’s okay.

Tool used: Business Planning Framework, 7 Daily Leadership Principles.

So you’ve been ghosted , what now?

We created the Survive and Thrive program to deal with moments like this. Ghosting is not the end of a relationship. It’s the start of an evolution.

Here’s what to do when it happens:

1. Stop reacting. Start reflecting.

The default is emotional. We rush to solve, explain, fix. That urgency is your survival loop at work. Pause it.The instinct to respond fast is your survival loop talking. Instead, go inwards.

Instead of reacting to the silence, reflect on what’s surfacing in you.
Ask yourself:

Is this true?
Is this really true?
Is this mine, or does it belong to someone else?
Is this a fact, or just how I feel about it?

It’s easy to create a story that feels better than not knowing. That’s not clarity it’s control disguised as closure. Don’t fall for it.

And drop the internal blame. Ditch the shame narrative. This isn’t about fault. It’s about finding your footing.

This is not about being nice. It’s about being honest. When you don’t have the full story, your brain fills the gap. Usually with drama. Be wary of the fiction. Stay rooted in your values. Don’t create an ending just to feel better. That’s not clarity. That’s control.

This is the moment to cut the blame. Drop the shame. Do the self-check.
You are not responsible for someone else’s emotional exit.

This is sitting in your values and also not creating an ending, we can fall into making stuff up, makes it easier to deal with. Also no blame or shame is key.

Tool: Use the and. Primary Aim to interrogate the moment and help yourself.

2. Hold the pause. Resist the fix.

Don’t reach. Don’t rush the rescue. Don’t reason your way out of it.

The pause is powerful. It gives space for truth to surface yours and theirs. Pausing doesn’t mean doing nothing. It means letting space speak.

In this space, visualise the two pathways in your hands. You reconnect. Or you don’t. You reach out again. Or you don’t. This is the space between reaching out again or not. Between reconnection or release. Both options are valid. Neither need to be decided on in urgency.

Let them sit. Let them merge. Let your instinct rise without interference.

Visualise each outcome clearly. Give them weight. See how they feel.
Let the choice emerge from intention, not impulse.

Your power is in your ability to wait without rushing to ease the tension

Resist the urge to resolve someone else’s discomfort to ease your own.
Sometimes the solve is in the space, not the sentence.

3. Set the boundary. Then honour it.

Here’s the script if you need one:

“This is my final message until you’re ready to reconnect. The space is open. I won’t chase.”

Then stop.

Don’t drip-feed. Don’t check their status. Don’t ask friends for updates. That’s the boundary. Not the invitation to keep checking if they’re watching your story.
Not breadcrumbing. Not polite nudges. Not second guessing, breadcrumbing keeps you trapped.

Boundaries without consequence are just hopeful statements.

Boundaries are acts of leadership. And without self-honour, they’re just performance.

4. Reframe the story. Ghosting isn’t personal.

Ghosting is not hatred. It’s usually discomfort. Or fear. Or someone else’s inability to face something within themselves.

You don’t need to understand their why to move forward with yours.

Leadership in this moment means emotional granularity.
Name what you feel. Own it. Don’t let the unknown hijack your energy.

This isn’t rejection. It’s redirection. And in that redirection is your space to thrive

Someone is overwhelmed. Someone can’t process. Someone is avoiding conflict. That’s not rejection. That’s a human who doesn’t know what else to do.

Emotional granularity is leadership. Name what you’re feeling. Don’t label their absence.
The story you tell yourself in their silence shapes your next move. Simplify your interpretation.

5. Lead yourself forward. Then choose your tools.

This is when the and. techniques come into play, only after the reflection, the pause, and the boundary. Do the real work of owning your internal response.

We recommened these and. tools to use once you’ve done the thinking work.

Now you’ve processed, here’s how to move energy forward:

Use the Swish Pattern to break the mental loop that replays their exit and to change your emotional loop
Use the Spinning Technique to reduce emotional charge and take control back and reframe the agitation.
Anchor back into your Primary Aim, and rewrite what you want from this chapter. and ask: What does this moment tell me about what I value?

This isn’t about fixing a person.

This is about mastering your own narrative. You’ve already been ghosted.
Now decide who you want to be on the other side of that silence.

Ghosting is growth in disguise.

Here’s a truth for us. The people who have ghosted us personally and professionally have done us a favour.

While they disappeared, we doubled down.
While they sat in silence, we got louder in purpose.
While they exited stage left, we stepped into the centre stage of our own lives.

At and., we’ve become emotionally richer, healthier, wealthier, more helpful and more useful. We’ve tapped into every skill and capability and done it better than ever before.

So let us say it clearly. Ghosting is not rejection. It’s redirection.
It’s not about being unwanted. It’s about being unaligned.

What next? The self coaching question loop.

If you’ve been ghosted, try this:

Why do you think that happened?
How do you feel about it now?
Are you responding factually or emotionally?
What if you reached out? What if you didn’t?
Are you ready to move forward?

Work it out. But work it out for you. Not for them.

If this hit home, here’s how we can help:

Talk to us: www.andcoachme.com/contact
Shop the tools: www.andcoachme.com/shop use Primary Aim or S + C -(i)= O to start your self-coaching
Sign up to our newsletter and get 4MAT It’s our proven method for processing challenges: The Why, The What, The How, The What If/Now

Ghosted, not gone!